The Best TV Lines of '09

I ran across a twitter meme with the title above today, to which all my favorite critics contributed their own picks. Later in the day it got hijacked by Chuck fans a bit, but it's still definitely worth checking out. It seems a little early, as Glee proved tonight. But it's a worthy endeavor, and here are some of my favorites. Those who say there's nothing on TV right now are silly curmudgeons. Spoiler warning, I suppose, though everything here's out of context.

Community

"Sorry, I was raised on TV. I was conditioned to believe that every black woman over forty was a mentor of some kind."

"I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of his films, but you're really like Michael Douglas in any of his films."

"I'm not having a conversation with someone who emerged from a bush."
"Because I'm right?"
"No, because I'm not in a commercial for breakfast cereal."

"I'm saying you're a football player, its in your blood"
"That's racist."
"Your soul?"
"That's racist"
"Your eyes?"
"That's gay."
"That's homophobic."
"That's black."
"That's racist!"
"Damn!"

"Abed, it makes the group uncomfortable when you talk about the group like we're characters in a show you're watching."
"That's sort of my gimmick, but we did lean on that pretty hard last week. I can lay low for an episode."

"My knowledge is going to bite your face off!"

"If I stay, there can be no party. I must be out there in the night, staying vigilant. Wherever a party needs to be saved, I'm there. Wherever there are masks, wherever there's tomfoolery and joy, I'm there. But sometimes I'm not cause I'm out in the night, staying vigilant. Watching. Lurking. Running. Jumping. Hurtling. Sleeping. No, I can't sleep. You sleep. I'm awake. I don't sleep. I don't blink. Am I bird? No. I'm a bat. I am Batman. Or am I? Yes, I am Batman. Happy Halloween."

"Attention everyone! If you have sex tonight, do not use a condom. I repeat, do not use a condom."

Doctor Who
(which had exactly two episodes this year thus far)

"State your name, rank, and intention!"
"The Doctor. Doctor. Fun."

Dollhouse

"You have to admit, I am very British. I don't say hard Rs."

"Carrots! Medicinal carrots! Personal use medicinal carrots that were here when I moved in and I'm holding it for a friend!"

"Right. New, superior people. With a little German thrown in. What could possibly go wrong?"

"Did I miss anything?
"Just the vodka, thank god."

"Imagine John Cassavetes in The Fury as a hot chick."
"Which you know I often have!"

"Given that you're a raping scumbag one tick shy of a murderer, I can't recall, do you take sugar?"

Glee

"He's cheating off a girl who thinks the square root of four is rainbows."

"This is Ohio. If I have a pregnant girl doing a handspring into a double layout, the judges aren't going to be admiring her impeccable form, they're going to be wondering if the centrifugal force is going to make the baby's head start crowning."

"It was a message from God: Rachel was a hot Jew and the good lord wanted me to get into her pants."

"I like minorities so much, I'm thinking of moving to California to become one."

"I don't trust a man with curly hair. I can't help but picture little birds laying sulfurous eggs in there, and it disgusts me."

"I'll often yell at homeless people: 'Hey, how is that homelessness working out for you? Try not being homeless for once.'"

"'Who's Josh Groban?' KILL YOURSELF!"

"That was the most offensive thing I've seen in 20 years of teaching — and that includes an elementary school production of Hair."

"You think this is hard? Try waterboarding. That's hard!"

"I will go the animal shelter and get you a kitty-kat. I will make you fall in love with that kitty-kat. Then some dark cold night I will steal away into your home and punch you in the face."

Lost

"Time travel's a bitch."

(I've always felt like things that feel like really good lines on "Lost" wouldn't be notable on other shows. That doesn't make it a bad show, just... weird.)

Modern Family

"I got Luke a video game, but it's about math. So, I guess we're that kind of uncles."

"We were called "Fire and Nice." I was "Fire" because of the red hair and Claire was "Nice" because it was ironic and she wasn't."

"I'm sort of like Costco. I'm big, I'm not fancy and I dare you to not like me."

"Ahhh we have been together for, guh, five-- five years now? And uh we-- we just decided that we really wanted to have a baby. So we initially asked one of our lesbian friends to be a surrogate but--"
"Then we figured, they're already mean enough, can you imagine one of them pregnant?"

The Office

"The fire is shooting at us!"

"Stanley! You can't die, Stanley! Stanley, you are black! Barack is President, Stanley!"

"I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me."

"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"The KGB."
"The KGB who?"
"WE WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS!"

"Jim is my enemy, but it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So actually, Jim is my enemy. But—"

Parks & Recreation

"If I had to have a stripper name, it would be Equality."

"It's like taking peyote and sneezing slowly for six hours."

"I'm a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food."

"I honestly believe that she was programmed by someone in the future to come back and destroy all happiness."

South Park

"The Disney purity ring venture will most likely now prove a marketing bust, as Mickey returns to Valhalla to slumber and feed."

30 Rock

"FEMA paid for these flowers... because this show is going to be a disaster!"

"My mom used to send me articles about how older virgins are considered good luck in Mexico."

"It's about as useless as the Winter Olympics ... This February on NBC."

"And no making fun of me for using outdated pop culture references. Are we cowabunga on this?"

"A book hasn't caused this much trouble since Where's Waldo went to that barber pole factory."

"I want to welcome you to Season Four ... the restaurant where you can get the very best food in the rest of America!"

"She went crazy. She bit off my nutsack, that I kept tied around my belt to feed the squirrels."

"Do you need a sex tape released? 'Cause I got a weird one; it's night vision and you can see that his buddy is robbing me."

"You know how you told Tracy not to go into your bedroom? Well, naturally, we assumed you were a serial killer, and as you can imagine, your bird is dead."

"What is this, Horseville? Because I'm surrounded by naysayers. Wordplay! "

"I really don't think it's fair for me to be on a jury since I'm a hologram."

Torchwood
(which had a total of five episodes in 2009)

"If she's anti-terrorist, I would not mind being Uncle Terrorist."

True Blood

"It's like if a tree falls in the woods it's still a tree, ain't it?"

"All this alpha-male posturing. Why don't the two of you just f*** each other and get it over with? I could watch."

"Sometimes you need to destroy something to save it. That's in the Bible... or the Constitution."

"Did you know your boyfriend hit me over the head with a 52 inch plasma television earlier tonight? Everyone says they're so thin and light, but let me tell you, when wielded properly, they're quite a weapon."

"On the final day of reckoning we'll see who goes to heaven and who goes to hell."
"I reckon I've already been to heaven... it was inside your wife."

"If God always punishes sinners, explain Europe to me!"

"SMITE ME, MOTHERF***ER!"

"What are you?
"I'm a waitress. What the f*** are you?"

The Venture Brothers

"How can you say that about Hitler? I love Hitler, and Hitler loves me! He's not so bad - Hitler just need someone to believe in him! Can't you just give Hitler a chance?"

"Torrid's a d**k. Who does that? Who opens up Hell? Honestly?"

"Score?"
"85%."
"Get out! Where did I blow it?"
"Well, for one, you killed Matthew Lasko."
"That was... well, he was wearing punctuation on his suit. That's a total bad-guy suit!"
"He helps people get free money from the government. That is a good guy. It's reflected in your score."

"Next thing I know, I'm blowing lines of voodoo powder off the back of a monkey's paw I bought in Calcutta. Now I'm all out of wishes."

"And here we are. Alone. What would the neighbors think?"
"The neighbors are AuntiMatter, who's a spinster who shape shifts, and Flying Squid, he's pretty self-explanatory. So I don't think they'd find this weird."

"Alright, we're going to have to do this commando style."
"You want me to... take off my underwear?"

"I can cross "stab Hitler to death" off my list of cool crap I thought I'd never get to do."

"Au contraire, I am Tony Danza to your spunky Alyssa Milano. I am full on Charles In Charge of you."